My latest for the Advocate. I wish they had let me use the phrase “Twat Swaps”

I promise its not a Rick Roll this time.

Ha!  Sucker.  Okay seriously, here’s the real article.

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Different than the Others.

h, October…LGBTQ History Month! Like any other time when history gets brought up, I usually end up curled into a fetal position crying and begging for the stupid to stop.

I’m a bit history buff, for all the knowledge you might have of cars, Madonna albums, or sports records, I recite historical facts and analysis. Few people know this, but I actually helped create the most popular history web forum in the world which serves to answer questions people have about history. It’s grown so popular that my fellow forum moderators have been asked to speak to the American Historical Association next year on how to make history more appealing in the digital age. Yeah, I’m bragging. So what? I’m proud of that fact and I’m a snob about history. There, I said it.

History is probably one of the most important subjects everyone seems to misunderstand and abuse. For example, you have those terrible and simplistic quotes about history. “History is written by the victors.” No. No it’s not. The South didn’t win the Civil War and there are a lot of people who have twisted the history of slavery and the war to make it seem like it was a noble institution and a righteous cause. Also, the United States didn’t win in Vietnam and we have written a lot of history books about it.

“History repeats itself.” No, no it doesn’t. At best, it “rhymes.” Events are similar but not exactly the same. They seem similar because we have a strange habit of projecting our views onto the people and events of the past. You also have the ‘Historians Fallacy’ where we wonder why history happened the way it did. We have the ability to look back on the past knowing the full story. There’s also ‘Chronological Snobbery’ where we think that just because an idea, a work of art, or science is from the past it’s inherently inferior, like the idea that people in the Middle Ages must have just been ignorant fools.

I could fill up this entire article with different forms of flawed thinking about the past, and I would enjoy doing it, but that wouldn’t be the point.

These silly, overly broad, and illogical ways of thinking about the past at least are better than the worse alternative, which is not knowing history at all. Okay, to be fair, they are both bad, at least when you think Benjamin Franklin was President because he is on the $100 dollar bill. You think that because most people on money are presidents. Still, not knowing your history, your lineages, and the way you got to where you are is sad. It’s like looking at abandoned photographs at a flea market, all of it someone’s life, discarded and forgotten.

The other day, I was performing at the HiLo, and saw where the old door that said, “Private Club” from the days it was a gay speakeasy had been replaced and I was more than a little sad about that fact. It was against the law in Oklahoma to have sex with your same sex partner as late as 2003. It’s technically still on the books in this state! Did you know that the word ‘transsexual’ didn’t exist until the 20th Century? It was created by a German sexologist named Magnus Hirschfeld who also wrote one of the first gay themed movies, Different From the Others. Unfun fact: like most German films, it’s depressing and the main character dies in the end. Yeah, most people don’t know that the Germans were the first people to really study LGBT culture and history in a scientific sense and advocate for equal rights in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Really makes you wonder what the hell went wrong there in the 1930’s.

I mean, I could throw so many crazy facts about LGBTQ history at you. Like one of the most notable HIV hospices during the 1980’s was a Catholic Church in San Francisco’s Castro District. Blows your mind doesn’t it? The reason that Pride Month is in June in so many places is to celebrate the memory of the Stonewall Riots. Did you also know the Stonewall Inn was owned by the Genovese crime family? Yeah, back in those days most gay bars were owned by the Mafia. Kinda weird and strangely cool…but if you know why, also more than a little depressing – they used it to blackmail closeted people and launder money. Thinking that gay history is nothing more than gay bars, parades, and Greek poets doesn’t begin to do our history justice.

The Gayly – October 12, 2015 @ 12:30am.

Waffle House of Representatives.

Last night during the Democratic Debates a particular peculiarity to popular politics popped up again.  (Suck my alliteration Stan Lee)  Lincoln Chafee, who put on a great Admiral Stockdale impression, was asked why he had changed from a Republican to a Democrat about ten years ago.  Hillary Clinton who disproved she was in fact an android (and that she takes longer than a commercial break to pee), was asked why she changed her mind on the Trans Pacific Partnership trade deal.  Back in 2008, Clinton also got her balls busted over her vote for the war in Iraq.  In a totally surprising political move she’s straight up said, she was wrong and made a bad call.   Lincoln Chafee during the debate last night also sank himself for admitting he screwed up the Glass-Steagall vote back in 2000.

Horror of Horrors, a politician made a mistake and admitted to it.  Even worse, they changed their minds.

That really grinds my gears, America.

For some stupid God awful reason, America seems to really hate it when a politician changes their minds or makes a mistake.

Unless of course it’s a change of mind we like, or you know, they’re Hillary Clinton.

First off, let me tell you something about Hillary.

Ya see that old dude Hillary is sitting with?  That’s Barry Goldwater.

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Barry Goldwater was a Republican candidate in 1964.  Hillary was a supporter of Goldwater.  Yes, Hillary used to identify as a Republican.  Goldwater wasn’t any old Republican either.  He opposed the Civil Rights Act because he felt it violated States Rights (though honestly he supported Civil Rights, he was just a huge States Righter).  He was virulently anti-Communist, like he wanted to nuke North Vietnam anti-communist.  He thought Eisenhower was too Liberal, and wanted to make Social Security voluntary.  Goldwater inspired Ronald Reagan to run for President.  Thanks Goldwater.

Yes, this was who Hillary Supported as a teenager and member of the Young Republicans.  Yet, by the time she graduated college, she had quit the YR’s, supported an anti-war candidate in ’68, organized student strikes and helped push for more black students and faculty.  She was still a Republican, yes, and voted for Nelson Rockefeller, a man who honestly would be a Democrat today.  By the early 1970’s she was working for Walter Mondale, Marian Wright Edelman, and Anne Wexler.  Hell, she was a law intern for literal Communists!

So you see, she started changing her damn mind right out of college!  Crazy right?  I mean, what is this person doing going to college and changing their entire political view based upon life experiences and assimilation of new information?!

Hey, anyone remember this guy?

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If you don’t.  Quit reading this article.  You’re too uninformed to continue.  Go read some articles about American politics and come back to this part.

John Kerry, former Senator, current Secretary of State, and man with the charisma of Brussel Sprouts, was also from what we’ve been told, a vile Communist Traitor and Sympathizer.  Strangely enough, when he graduated college, where he actually won competitive debates arguing against the Vietnam War, he joined the Navy and became…a war hero?  Say what?  But hold on, there’s more!  Apparently he also became an anti-war activist!?

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Well, Holy Shit!  Look at him there.  That’s him at the Fullbright Hearings which were meant to end the war in Vietnam.  Yet, he was also a member of the Navy still at the time!  Hell he stayed as a reservist until 1978!  So many different and changing opinions and viewpoints!!!

Funny thing is though, he voted for the war in Iraq as the right thing to do, just like Hillary did.  He was pilloried when he ran in 2004 for President when he said, “I voted for it before I voted against it,” referring to authorizing the war and then later refusing to finance it.  Why?  After we found out Saddam didn’t have any WMD’s or relations to Bin-Laden and that we had been duped by the Bush administration, he wasn’t keen on keeping the war going.  Crazy huh?  Kind of weird that he changed his mind JUST LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA FREAKING DID!

You see, that’s why drives me up the damn wall.  Why aren’t politicians allowed to change their minds about stuff?  We change our minds all the damn time.  Hell the purpose of the debate where Chaffee and Clinton were called out for changing their opinions WAS TO CHANGE PEOPLES OPINIONS!  How’s that for irony Alanis?

It’s not like people’s opinions change over time on stuff like gay marriage, gun control, or any other set up subject.  Hell, we change our minds on if we like Kanye or not.  I mean our opinions on soda changes.  Why did our opinion on soda change?  Could it be the stacks of articles, books, and shows that talk about how terrible it is for you?  You see, as we became more aware of how crappy soda is for you, we started to dislike it and so it became less popular because our opinions changed.

Crazy right?

So if I’m getting this right.  When we are exposed to new ideas, new information, and new experiences we form new and changing opinions based upon that information.  I believe we call this process LEARNING!  It happens everywhere.  From the minute you watch five minutes of Donald Trump and decide he is a living hemorrhoid, to your teacher showing you how photosynthesis works, to meeting a person from a minority group you have never met before, to reading a study on the toxicity of chemicals, you have opinions change.  Whether they’re right opinions or wrong opinions is subjective and only born out of the long term.  Sometimes these opinions are misinformed, and we try to change them!

Every time you get into an internet fight on Facebook, the comments of a news article, or tweet off, you are trying to change someones opinion!  Be it about gun control or how much of a douchebag Tom Brady is, its an exchange of information and opinion.  Every argument is based on trying to win on an opinion.   You want people to change their minds every day….except your politicans and leaders.  Yet, you want to change your boss’ mind about how much he pays you but god forbid if a politician changes his mind about taxes.

Why am I so lenient on these guys?  Easy.  Back in 1994, I was a member of the Teenage Republicans.  I actually went to go meet Dick Cheney at the airport to have a copy of The Commanders signed by him.  It’s still a very prized possession of mine.  In 1994, I prized it because “I have a book signed by the Secretary of Defense!”  In 2014 my mentality is “Hey, I have a book signed by a guy who is pretty much a war criminal!”  Even my politics have changed over the years.

Yes, some politicians waffle and flip flop on issues, but those guys rarely last long as they are so weak and ineffective.  You actually want your politicians to change their opinions and viewpoints really, and you actually want them to.  Every petition, protest, angry re-post, and time you shout at the screen you are wanting them to change.

But only if its a change you like and are comfortable with though right?

That’s not dogmatic, rigid, and uncompromising at all is it?

Columbus Day Sale! Indignation 50% Off!

I hate Columbus Day.

Not because it celebrates “a mass murderer”.

But because my internet gets filled with so much terrible, rotten history.

Not from the people on the Right who want to scream and shout about “Political Correctness” but from those people who claim to be the smarter, more rational, and more intelligent; the Left.

Firstly, this joke has shown up more times in my Twitter feed than a feel good hashtag should.

“I assume that a Columbus Day sale means that I can just walk into the store and take whatever I want”

The fact that this joke has been stolen by so many people today is truly what defines both the words meta as well as irony.

It’s also patently hilarious to me, that I actually have people who are members of Native American tribes on my Facebook, and strangely they seem to be quite quiet today.  That or they’ve been buried by the standard shitty Buzzfeed quizes and the “Good Progressives” that are totally and quite hilariously mentioned in the Bible of all places, who are making sure you know how they feel about Native American issues one day a year.  Two if they’re doing it on Thanksgiving.  I don’t care if they do get all self righteous on Thanksgiving, I’m to full of mashed potatoes to give a shit.  You’ll have to wait another year before you hear a peep about the issues that face Native Americans from them.  But only if it’s raising awareness.  That’s easy.  Actually raising them out of staggering poverty, crippling substance abuse, horrifying levels of diseases, high crime rates, mental health issues, triple the rate of rape in their communities, failing education systems, exploitation of natural resources on reservations, lack of health care, systemic political disenfranchisement, a suicide rate almost three times the national average, and the death of their cultural heritage, that actually requires fucking work beyond a hashtag doesn’t it?

Betcha didn’t know it was that fucked up for them did ya?  By the way, nice dream catcher douchebag.

dream-catcher

Nah, you’re gonna roll this out on Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, and anytime the Redskins come up again, and forget about it.  Oh, and whenever you get reminded that the Army names their helicopters after Native American tribes.  Boy that makes you mad doesn’t it?  It shouldn’t you uninformed prick.  The military actually gets permission from the tribes before they name them.  Seriously.

When proposed names include the name of a Native American tribe or chief, HQ, AMC should obtain concurrence/approval from the specific tribe to use their name. Additionally, comments may be solicited from the Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs

DA- Pam 70-3 Page 10

Ain’t that some shit?  Hell, they even bless the damn things!

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And guess what, those kids are more than 1/16th Native too.

It seems like its moments like these that drag out those 1/16th “Indian Princess” descendants.

south-park-s15e13c01-a-real-live-native-american-16x9

Real live Native American…named Saul Wichowski.

Sure pal.  Look, I did my family tree and if I’m right, I have an ancestor from the 16th Century who is Walloon.  You don’t see me making a huge fucking deal about it do you?  No.  Because no one cares how Belgian you are.  Seriously, unless you’re actually recognized by a tribe then you aren’t Native, you’re probably just some boring white person trying to sound interesting.

Oh, and you St. Patricks Day folks.  I got something for you next year.

And another thing folks.  Stop it with the Noble Savage bullshit.  Natives weren’t living in harmony with nature and all peaceful and weaving baskets, they killed the shit out of each other, manipulated the land, and sold each other out to Europeans all the time.  Hell, the Iroquois and Algonquins fought for centuries.  The Aztecs cut the hearts out of their enemies.  The Inca just wrapped up a civil war, before the Spanish got there.  They over hunted, manipulated land and water, and most importantly when you think about Thanksgiving remember the Wampanoag people signed the deal with the English to help protect themselves from other Indian tribes.  That’s right fuckers!  Indians turned on each other like crazy.  Noble Savages my ass.  Give them horses, steel, and gunpowder and they’re brown Europeans.  And then I saw this on my Facebook.

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Seriously.  What the hell is this?  It makes no sense.  Why the Hell are the Chickasaw in East Texas?  They’re from North Mississippi!  What happened to the Caddo, the Natchez, or the Tunica?  Why are there no Biloxi in Cherokee territory?  AND THE FUCKING ANASAZI DISPEARED BEFORE THE EUROPEANS EVEN GOT THERE!  Not to mention they were from Colorado to boot!

Look, if you’re going to make bullshit up about how the Native Americans would be if the Europeans didn’t show up, at least do a little research to be even remotely accurate.  Besides, if anything this just reinforces the idea that Native Americans would have done just fine conquering, suppressing, slaughtering, and wiping each other out without Europeans helping out.  You’re hurting your own damn argument.  Hell, it’s not even an argument, it’s a series of grunts and chirps coming from the mouths of moronic idiots who get their kicks off of feeling morally superior yet intellectually inferior.

Now shut up and go hit the slots at the casino you twats.