Columbus Day Sale! Indignation 50% Off!

I hate Columbus Day.

Not because it celebrates “a mass murderer”.

But because my internet gets filled with so much terrible, rotten history.

Not from the people on the Right who want to scream and shout about “Political Correctness” but from those people who claim to be the smarter, more rational, and more intelligent; the Left.

Firstly, this joke has shown up more times in my Twitter feed than a feel good hashtag should.

“I assume that a Columbus Day sale means that I can just walk into the store and take whatever I want”

The fact that this joke has been stolen by so many people today is truly what defines both the words meta as well as irony.

It’s also patently hilarious to me, that I actually have people who are members of Native American tribes on my Facebook, and strangely they seem to be quite quiet today.  That or they’ve been buried by the standard shitty Buzzfeed quizes and the “Good Progressives” that are totally and quite hilariously mentioned in the Bible of all places, who are making sure you know how they feel about Native American issues one day a year.  Two if they’re doing it on Thanksgiving.  I don’t care if they do get all self righteous on Thanksgiving, I’m to full of mashed potatoes to give a shit.  You’ll have to wait another year before you hear a peep about the issues that face Native Americans from them.  But only if it’s raising awareness.  That’s easy.  Actually raising them out of staggering poverty, crippling substance abuse, horrifying levels of diseases, high crime rates, mental health issues, triple the rate of rape in their communities, failing education systems, exploitation of natural resources on reservations, lack of health care, systemic political disenfranchisement, a suicide rate almost three times the national average, and the death of their cultural heritage, that actually requires fucking work beyond a hashtag doesn’t it?

Betcha didn’t know it was that fucked up for them did ya?  By the way, nice dream catcher douchebag.

dream-catcher

Nah, you’re gonna roll this out on Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, and anytime the Redskins come up again, and forget about it.  Oh, and whenever you get reminded that the Army names their helicopters after Native American tribes.  Boy that makes you mad doesn’t it?  It shouldn’t you uninformed prick.  The military actually gets permission from the tribes before they name them.  Seriously.

When proposed names include the name of a Native American tribe or chief, HQ, AMC should obtain concurrence/approval from the specific tribe to use their name. Additionally, comments may be solicited from the Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs

DA- Pam 70-3 Page 10

Ain’t that some shit?  Hell, they even bless the damn things!

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And guess what, those kids are more than 1/16th Native too.

It seems like its moments like these that drag out those 1/16th “Indian Princess” descendants.

south-park-s15e13c01-a-real-live-native-american-16x9

Real live Native American…named Saul Wichowski.

Sure pal.  Look, I did my family tree and if I’m right, I have an ancestor from the 16th Century who is Walloon.  You don’t see me making a huge fucking deal about it do you?  No.  Because no one cares how Belgian you are.  Seriously, unless you’re actually recognized by a tribe then you aren’t Native, you’re probably just some boring white person trying to sound interesting.

Oh, and you St. Patricks Day folks.  I got something for you next year.

And another thing folks.  Stop it with the Noble Savage bullshit.  Natives weren’t living in harmony with nature and all peaceful and weaving baskets, they killed the shit out of each other, manipulated the land, and sold each other out to Europeans all the time.  Hell, the Iroquois and Algonquins fought for centuries.  The Aztecs cut the hearts out of their enemies.  The Inca just wrapped up a civil war, before the Spanish got there.  They over hunted, manipulated land and water, and most importantly when you think about Thanksgiving remember the Wampanoag people signed the deal with the English to help protect themselves from other Indian tribes.  That’s right fuckers!  Indians turned on each other like crazy.  Noble Savages my ass.  Give them horses, steel, and gunpowder and they’re brown Europeans.  And then I saw this on my Facebook.

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Seriously.  What the hell is this?  It makes no sense.  Why the Hell are the Chickasaw in East Texas?  They’re from North Mississippi!  What happened to the Caddo, the Natchez, or the Tunica?  Why are there no Biloxi in Cherokee territory?  AND THE FUCKING ANASAZI DISPEARED BEFORE THE EUROPEANS EVEN GOT THERE!  Not to mention they were from Colorado to boot!

Look, if you’re going to make bullshit up about how the Native Americans would be if the Europeans didn’t show up, at least do a little research to be even remotely accurate.  Besides, if anything this just reinforces the idea that Native Americans would have done just fine conquering, suppressing, slaughtering, and wiping each other out without Europeans helping out.  You’re hurting your own damn argument.  Hell, it’s not even an argument, it’s a series of grunts and chirps coming from the mouths of moronic idiots who get their kicks off of feeling morally superior yet intellectually inferior.

Now shut up and go hit the slots at the casino you twats.

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