How to survive an active shooter.

These tips will allow you to survive a potential active shooter.

1.)  Anyone can be a potential killer.  Make sure to keep an eye on that Arab guy with the beard and that weird shirt-dress they wear, the black guy with the saggy pants, the Asian guy with the tiger mother and unreasonable family expectations, and the white guy that always wonders why there is a Black Entertainment Network but no White Entertainment Network.

Actually, most of the time it’s going to be the white guy.  Watch that fucker like a hawk.

2.)  Be Actively Defensive Against an Active Shooter.  Since it’s relatively easy to purchase a firearm of any type in this country, especially at gun shows where no one has to report the sale and there are no background checks, anyone could have a hand cannon under their coat.

The only way to make sure you aren’t caught unawares, is to actively assume everyone has a gun.  Make sure to declare as loudly as possible anytime you see a person, “OH MY GOD THEY HAVE A GUN!”  This will startle and frighten them since you have seen through their cunning ruse. They will then use a standard trick of all mass shooters and act shocked and surprised and attempt to hide or run away. At this point, make sure to pull out the gun you purchased at a gun show and start shooting.

3.)  Know the Places Shooters Prefer to Attack.  Avoid them if possible.  This includes the following; high schools, middle schools, elementary schools, colleges, community colleges, vo-tech schools, hospitals, health clinics, doctors offices, office parks, office buildings, strip malls that include an Office Max, malls, Wal Marts, grocery stores, restaurants, churches, hair salons, spas, government offices, military bases, military recruiting stations, post offices, defense contractors, trains, subways, buses, parking lots, airports, factories, private residences, theaters, parks, and more.

As you can see, the best place to be to avoid a mass shooting is in an isolated Arctic listening station, the limestone caves of the Ozarks, or the International Space Station.  Overall, if you do have to go to places where mass shooting might occur, make sure you go to places where and when you think the threat is at a minimum.  I recommend the early morning hours outside of the United States.  Japan and Canada are the best.

4.)  Dress for Success.  Shooters tend to target people who have tripped and fallen, are trapped or stuck, or are wearing bright conspicuous clothes.  The best way to avoid this is to be as inconspicuous as possible.  Wear subdued colors; blacks, greys, greens, browns, ideally in a camouflage pattern.  To ensure you don’t trip and fall, wear shoes with non-slip soles such as military style combat boots.  To ensure your clothes are not a hindrance, blouse your pants into your boots, and clothes that wont snag on objects such as military style clothes.  Body armor might help too.  Additionally, this would be the best time to open carry, having your weapon at the ready with the magazine in and safety off is best.  The only drawback to this is method, is that you’ll actually end up looking like an active shooter and end up getting shot by a good guy with a gun who doesn’t know you’re the good guy with a gun.

5.)  Don’t be a hero!  Whatever you do, don’t try to stand up to the bullies that lurk outside mosques, gun control activist meetings, even congressional offices and legislatures with loaded weapons.  Immediately follow their instructions to lift any remaining restrictions on firearms to include owning fully automatic weapons and even small explosives.  Certainly take any and all money from aggressive lobbyists from organizations that want more guns out there.  Never disagree with 2nd Amendment advocates as they will invoke deadly double-think and poor understanding of laws and legal precedent.  If you are told that the only way to love America and love Freedom is to let people be able to purchase guns and ammunition without restrictions, follow their instructions or else you might have to leave the country.

And finally, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you pass legislation that restricts firearm ownership, availability, types of firearms most commonly used in mass shootings, prevents unstable people or political radicals from owning guns, or updates laws written over two hundred years ago that are no longer relevant or constructive in a world unfathomable to their original writers.

Follow these tips, and you might just survive a mass shooting.