But it comes with your choice of band, so there’s that.

See this?


It’s the new iWatch.  It’s just a watch.  It does not make you better, smarter, faster, more synergistic with social media outlets (Thank you Lean/Six Sigma for teaching me a new way to abuse the English language!), nor improve your life at all.

No seriously, it doesn’t.

It especially doesn’t fill that empty void in your life that is actual human contact.  In fact, shit like this is why you have that hole in the first place.

“But Amanda!  It does so many cool things,” you exclaim, opening up the Socratic dialogue that will be the next part of this bit.

Like what?  Tell time?

“Oh, so much more than that!  Let me tell you all about them.”

Sure, go ahead.  I can see how excited you are about it due to your large erection.

“Well, with just the push of a button, you can call them!”

Yeah, it’s called speed dial, phones have had that for decades.

“But this is different!  You can talk through your watch!”

Oh, so a new way to look like a conspicuous asshole.

“No, it’s technology!”

You’ll look like a Secret Service Agent.


This! Looks! STU-PID!

“But you can also change the display to whatever you want!”

You mean, a million different versions of a…clock?


Yippee.  Tell me more.

“Well, it comes with an accelerometer.”

What?  So you can know if your arm is moving too fast towards your craft beer?


Who knew mediocrity could be so expensive?

“It also comes with an altimeter.”

Why?  Just really.  WHY?  What do you do in your daily life that needs an altimeter?  Really?  If you’re doing something that requires you to know how high in the air you are, you already have things that come with them because they’re meant to be in the air!  Seriously!  Are you worried about hypoxia from trying to climb to the top of your ego?

“Well….er, it also comes with a compass.”

When the fuck was the last time you needed a compass?

“Um, it, uh, has a heart rate monitor.”

Wow, I have a heart rate monitor too.  Wanna see?



Though to be fair, to have a doctor do this costs $500.

“But I can also track my steps with it!”

Why would you do that on your wrist?  Wouldn’t that be better on your foot?  Besides, getting up and exercising would require looking up from your phone.


#AtTheGym #EpicGains #CuteGymClothes #FiveDollarWater #SomeonePayAttentionToMe

“Well, I can see who’s calling, or search for what song is playing without taking out my phone, so there’s that.”

So it frees up ten seconds of your time.

“Using SmartHouse technology, I can turn on and off lights or set the thermostat from it!”

Just admit you’re fucking lazy.

“Well, just admit you hate technology.”

I work in I.T.  I just refuse to think that a damn watch that makes mundane tasks easier because I’m too fucking lazy to flip a switch or count my own pulse, or even take out my phone to see who’s calling me, is that big of a deal.  As far as I can tell, the only thing it does, is give people with either way too much disposable income the ability to consume even more conspicuously, or people desperate to seem trendy spend money on frivolous crap that could have been better spent on their student loans or something.

“You’re just a bitter and hateful person.”

Yes, yes, I am, but a watch won’t fix that about me.  Holding a conversation with another human being who isn’t checking the altitude of the bar stool they’re sitting at might though.


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