Why I’ll Never Be a Transgender Celebrity/Role Model

1. I tried being angry on Twitter once.  It made all the people who follow me expecting porn pictures very mad and to quit following me.  This wiped out half my followers.
2. I couldn’t tell the difference between a Donna Karen and a Vera Wang with two weeks of intensive training by elite gay Bravo Network fashion specialists.
3. On #2, I misspelled Donna Karen.  It’s apparently “Karan.”  This reinforces #2.
4. I’m not big on concerts, camping, or hippies.  Therefore I couldn’t honestly give a shit about the Michigan Womyn’s Festival.  If a Dave Matthews Band concert was a feminist retreat, then I would care.
5. In addition to #4, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with people that spell it “Womyn.”
6. I believe that Immanuel Kant’s interpretation of how we perceive reality is an acceptable explanation.  Therefore, I find redefining realness unnecessary.  (Though arguably Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.)
7. Orange isn’t my color.
8. In order to be an advocate of transgender sex positivism, one has to be getting laid regularly.  Masturbation does not qualify.
9. I don’t have the patience to run a Facebook group.
10. My military career consisted of one tour in Iraq that I spent getting really good at NCAA Football 2002 for the Playstation.
11. The world isn’t ready for a “plus-sized” transgender model.
12. Petty vandalism does not qualify one as a Gender Outlaw.
13. I tried being a Whipping Girl once.  BDSM isn’t my thing.
14. I don’t have a development deal with the Logo Network for a terrible dating reality show.
15. My transition advice videos are way overpriced.
16. All my article pitches keep getting rejected by the Huffington Post Gay Voices editors for not being click baity enough.
17. I hate Tumblr.
18. I’ve been thrown out of half the relevant Reddit subs.
19. Bailey Jay already is famous for half the stuff I’m good at.  Including that thing with the tongue.
20. Most of the role model positions are going to cisgendered people anyway.

Update after the retweet by Bailey Jay

Hey, how about five more reasons?

1. Any documentary about me would reveal: Netflix binges, a steady diet of scrambled egg sandwiches, sleeping till noon, and playing Fallout 3 again.
2. My career as the front man for a soft jazz quartet never took off.
3. I could ramble for hours with intimate detail about my junk to a talk show host.
4. I don’t know shit about game coding.
5. I want the reason I’m famous to be 65% transgender, tops.