I would like to introduce a new series of irregularly updated and infrequent articles here on this blog:
Life Pro Tips From a Former Guy to Current Straight Guys!
Our first article: The Friend Zone: A place you actually want to be.
Sure, you really dig this chick, she likes pro wrestling, she holds her own in Super Smash Brothers, she even thinks you look cute in your fedora. She is so totally into you, you should bang her!
So now you are talking sweet to her about how she looks cute. You tell her that she deserves a better boyfriend than she currently has; though in this process you hint with all the subtlety of a Micheal Bay movie, that you are the guy. That regular hang out time with your buddies is sacrificed so you can go with her to run errands when she needs a ride or a person to talk to. She finally broke up with that dude and you spend Valentines Day together making fun of how stupid the holiday is while clearly hating you’re both single. With all the grace of a fat kid with an inner ear infection in a sack race you keep hinting you want to get with her, that you want to be with her.
She never picks up on it.
Then she starts dating a guy who is such a tool he’s on sale at Lowe’s. You explode in rage at her. How could she date a guy like that when you have been so nice? Why didn’t she start dating you when you clearly were interested? I mean, you went…uhg…shopping for girl stuff with her! She owes it to you!
The only difference between you and a guy who solicits hookers, is he is being honest about buying sex.
No woman is obligated to fuck you for being nice to them. Being nice is fucking expected of you.
I know, crazy concept; but hear me out.
Girls really do like nice guys. No, seriously, they do! They like guys that go shopping with them. They like guys that will watch chick flicks with them. Girls want a guy who will comfort them when they are upset and need someone to cry with without the expectation of someone trying to be all studly and seductive with their big protective manly arms squeezing them to make them feel safe…. Why am I thinking about Brad Pitt right now? Anyway. Look, girls want nice guys. That’s why they end up marrying the guys they do. Those guys are nice to them…okay, generally nice to them, most of the time. Look it’s a rule of thumb not an absolute, fuck off.
Honestly though, girls like nice guys. Girls like having male friends. They like having someone they can get advice about their boyfriends with. They need tips on how to deal with other men they encounter in life like their boss, the car mechanic, their douchebag brother. Women aren’t all about throw pillows, shoes, and movies with Meryl Streep. Sometimes they want to see Tom Brady take a fucking cheap shot to the helmet like you do. Seriously, fuck that guy. Sometimes they want to go mud riding, sometimes they want to do carpentry…and they aren’t lesbians! Sometimes women want a boy friend. As in a friend who is a boy, or a man, a dude, whatever. She wants a male friend.
So you know what? It’s okay to be in the “friend zone”. It’s okay to have a female friend that you can hug and comfort when she is sad, because you can expect a hug and comfort from her when that dick boss of yours doesn’t give you the recognition for the work you did on the Peterson account. She can give you pro tips on what girls like, you know….insider tips. She can help you shop for presents for your mom or sister. They’re great for getting advice on fashion and style.
Best of all….she knows like, a whole fuck ton of chicks. Seriously, it’s like almost all her friends are girls. Some of them are even single. A few might even want to bang you. Since she already knows you are willing to watch chick flicks, or go shopping, or like, listen to her whine about stupid girl stuff, she already knows you’re an actual nice guy. That means, when then next time she has a single friend who just broke up with a douchecanoe of a guy who refuses to accept that being 36 years old is a totally unacceptable age to have a Misfits cover band be your full time job., your friend girl just happens to know a guy who can help her get over that guy.
What? Who is that?
It’s you. I’m talking about you. Who the fuck did you think I was talking about? Damn, you really are a putz.
Look, being friends with a girl is good because that means to other women that you are totally down with being a normal person with them, which is what they want.
Now get out there slugger, go make a friend girl and then you’re totally gonna be swimming in the poon!