OH MY GOD MOM! You liked Mumford and Sons? You’re so lame.

This is my Hootie and the Blowfish CD Cracked Rear View. I bought it probably in late 1995 early 1996, and has all the scratches to show for it. It was their major label debut. It has sold over 16 million copies. It peaked at number one on the Billboard Chart five times. Three top ten singles were spun off the album. It is the 16th Best Selling album of all time in the United States.

How come I’m the only person I have ever met who admits to having bought and enjoyed the album?

Oh…is it because it’s poppy and bubblegum? “Chingy-ching guitar” frat pop? It’s not cool anymore? Yes to all of that.

I bought this album, I enjoyed it, I listened to it over and over. I like it still

If your opinion of me just dropped because of that, then you are a terrible person.

I get it, you’ve been told that your musical tastes are better because they are more underground/popular/sophisticated/pretentious as fuck. It doesn’t matter. It’s your taste.

First off, quit pretending that because you like alt/indie/underground music you are somehow better than everyone else. Let’s be realistic; no one becomes an entertainer for just the art form. If anyone ever tells you that they are a performer for solely the art and joy of music, smack the American Spirit out of their mouth and drag their ass to a doctor for a Thorazine shot because they need 30cc’s of reality. If you think people are just in it for the art you’re an idiot too. Musicians need to eat, they have bills, and if you honestly had the choice between a shitty 8th story walk up in Queens and a penthouse on Park Avenue. Park Avenue will will win every time.


Fuck Itzhak Perlman. I’m keeping it REAL! THUG LYFE!

No really. Everyone who wants to eat and be an artist full time, sells out. Every musician has changed a song, a set, or a look to cater to an audience. Don’t believe me? Go look up celebrity high school pictures. Yeah. And you thought you blossomed after high school. Eminem looks like he was head of the chess club, and Marilyn Mason was that shitty Dungeon Master who always made you have to write ALL of your inventory down or else you never picked up that +3 ring with protection from disease, GODDAMN IT MIKE YOU KNOW I HAD EQUIPPED THAT FUCKING THING!

The reason your band is still underground/alt/indie/nobodies is well, because they aren’t really worth listening to. No, seriously. Either they are way to niche and cater to a small set of tastes that will never translate, they aren’t hitting all cylinders yet and have time to grow, or well..they just plain suck. If after 15 years they still play pool halls and still ride around in a van that’s a more rapey version of the Mystery Machine, then they aren’t going to ever make it. Especially when the people they are opening for have a curfew.


Well, at least they have a myspace.

One final thing. If everyone knows that they’re the greatest indie/underground band of all time, they aren’t underground or indie.


Who the fuck are The Pixies?

Also, quit pretending that old music was better. It wasn’t. Music has always sucked. No really. It has. Looking back, we remember Hendrix, Joplin, The Beatles, Led Zeplin, Buddy Holly, Marvin Gaye, Public Enemy, on and on and on. And yes, these were GREAT MUSICIANS. Their music is inter-generational, timeless, and the defining music of a generation. At least that’s what people who sell music collections and people who get paid to talk about music tell us. Except for Pitchfork, remember how I was talking about indie music fans? Apparently they started a website.

I know what you are thinking, “But, if I don’t add the rum at the last second, it’ll ruin the complexity of the Banana’s Foster!”

Why the hell are you thinking about dessert right now? We’re talking about music right now. Take your Ritalin.

No, seriously. Music always has sucked. Yes, many of the great artists hit number one and were hugely popular, but more often…no they weren’t. For example, in 1966, there was a ton of great music wasn’t there? Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, Ascention by John Coltrane, California Dreamin’ by the Mommas and the Papas, I Put A Spell on You by The Animals, Eight Miles High by The Byrds, Tomorrow Never Knows by the Beatles, In the Midnight Hour by Wilson Picket, You Can’t Hurry Love by The Supremes, It’s a Man’s Man’s Mans’s World by James Brown, For What It’s Worth by Buffalo Springfield, and the offical theme song of the Vietnam War Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones. Every last one of those is on or should be on the Rolling Stone Top 500 Rock Songs of all time. All classics, all mandatory to know, all brilliant and beautiful.

But you know what was the best selling single of that year?

This thing.

Yep. The top single of 1966 was an ode to war. Choke on that sandwich Mama Cass.

Oh, you think that music got all corporate controlled back in the 80’s with MTV?

If you don’t know who those two groups are. You are truly blessed in your ignorance.

These days everyone is pissed Macklemore won the Grammy. So fucking what. You never cared before about Grammy’s you bunch of assholes.

Quick Quiz! Who won the Best Rap Performance Grammy in 1990? De La Soul for Me, Myself and I? Public Enemy for Fight the Power? Tone Loc for Funky Cold Medina?

Nope.

Young MC for Bust a Move.

Yes, the song your Aunt Grace danced to at your cousins wedding.


Macklemore ain’t sweatin your hate.

Look. Music has always sucked. It’s always been good. Quit pretending that you didn’t have big hair and a denim jacket and wanted to be in Whitesnake. Don’t lie and say you never like Limp Bizkit, I’ve seen your pictures with the soul patch and Starter jacket. We know you liked System of a Down, you have the cutting scars on your wrist to prove it.

The music you like isn’t a measure of your worth as a human being. It doesn’t indicate your sophistication, it doesn’t make your cooler or lamer, it doesn’t mean a damn thing other than what kind of idiot you look like when you jam out in your car when you’re stuck in traffic. Music an art form, and art is relative.

Enjoy what you enjoy, and like what you like in everything you do, and to hell with the haters. Unless you like molesting children, then what you like sucks.

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